Nothing says ‘I’m over you’ like a cockroach

PHOTO: МИХАИЛ СОКОЛОВ/ISTOCK / GETTY IMAGES PLUS/GETTY IMAGES

Nursing a broken heart this Valentine’s Day? Let a cockroach help.

According to a Feb. 10 article on USAToday.com, the zoos in San Antonio and El Paso, Texas, are letting members of the public name a Madagascar hissing cockroach (Gromphadorhina portentosa) after an ex — after which each (ethically frozen) roach will be fed to a zoo animal. It will cost you five bucks in San Antonio to “Cry Me a Cockroach,” whereas in El Paso, donations are encouraged to “Quit Bugging Me.”

“You don’t have to live in either city,” the article points out. “Both zoos are offering the chance for people to see all the munching action on their social media streams.”

Both zoos note only first names will be used, and donations will be kept anonymous. My favorite part of breaking down the mechanics of the event is on the El Paso Zoo website: “Please keep in mind that the animals can only eat so many cockroaches. Any names that we read out during our stream will be at random. All names we receive will be used to decorate the animals’ exhibits.”

The USA Today article rounds up three variations on this theme, leading up to Feb. 14:

• Joe Montisano, director of the El Paso Zoo, will eat one cockroach for every $1,000 raised in donations. As I type this, he’s up to seven.
• If you want to upgrade at the San Antonio Zoo, it’ll run you 25 bucks to feed an ethically frozen rat to a reptile.
• And if you’re actually feeling the love this Valentine’s Day, look to the Bronx (N.Y.) Zoo instead: You can name a cockroach in honor of your valentine for 15 bucks, and that one won’t be fed to anyone else. Or if you have $45 lying around, why not buy your true love a Roach Candle? Unfortunately, at press time, the zoo’s Roach Socks are sold out. Better luck next year!