A Christmas tale for PMPs


December 24, 2017

Credit for this epic tale goes to Brad Fischer from Batzner Pest Control, who wrote it for Buffalo Exterminating about 6 years ago when Audrey Hall of Eco Serve Pest Services was also working there. She got permission to tweak and reprint in her newsletter, which we received last week and promptly asked to reprint here, too. Enjoy!


‘Twas the night before Christmas.

Somewhere in my house

A creature was stirring, and it wasn’t a mouse.


Clothing lay scattered on the floor without care

Since our earlier guests were no longer there.


The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

And no vision of bed bugs danced in their heads.

My wife in her jammies and I with my book

Just jumped into bed without taking a look.


As I scratched a small itch, my hand felt a splatter

And I sprang from the bed to see what’s the matter.

I flung back the blankets and I glanced at my arm

And with surreal dread, my mind rang with alarm!


Bites on my arm and what else did I see

But a small reddish bug trying to flee?

My mind flashed back to earlier that night

When I spied my guest scratching…a bite?


“What’s that on your arm? Why do you itch?”

“Bed bug bites,” he replied. I didn’t want to snitch!

And now my heart sinking, seems we have them, too.

Brought in with the gifts? On his coat or their shoes?


Their coats! Their coats! They were laid on the bed!

Why hadn’t we hung them in the closet instead!

Or sealed them in bags placed out on the porch

Or tossed in the dryer with the setting on “scorch.”


I glared at the bug, my eyes narrowed with hate.

Bed bugs for Christmas. Oh, this was just great!


So I remembered the truck, with the green leaf and their name.

Eco Serve Pest Service is the best at this game.

I wanted this treatment to be decisive and fast

And that meant finding the company whose treatment would last.


I dialed the number and asked, “Audrey please help!”

With despair in my voice at the hand I’d been dealt.

“You bet,” she replied. “We will be there ASAP!

We will take care of those bugs, and call it a wrap.”


I washed and I dried and I packed and decluttered

As I wept and prayed, as I swore and I muttered.


And then we were ready, the prep was all done;

We lacked sleep and were tired, this was simply not fun.

Our drawers were all empty, our bookshelves were bare,

Our house a disaster, but we just didn’t care!

The techs had arrived and stood at my door

They looked at my bug and said “Bed bug, for sure.”

“Just kill all the bed bugs, I beg of you please,”

I calmly requested as I fell to my knees.


They dressed in Tyvek and placed covers on their feet,

The nicest technicians you could ever meet.

Changing into clean clothes after taking our showers,

We left them to work for a number of hours.


I paid the work and some great peace of mind

I thanked them (from a distance), for being so kind.


Later that night we climbed in to bed,

Some tape and my flashlight stayed next to my bed.

We had done all we could, and fought the good fight

And knew someday soon we again could sleep tight.



About the Author

Heather Gooch

Heather Gooch is the editor-in-chief for PMP magazine. She can be reached at hgooch@northcoastmedia.net or 330-321-9754.

Leave A Comment

Comments are closed.