PMP MVPs, a play in one act


December 28, 2022

Photo: SimoneN/iStock / Getty Images Plus/Getty Images

Photo: SimoneN/iStock / Getty Images Plus/Getty Images

Setting: Evening in a high school classroom. Chairs are positioned in a circle, with characters sitting near one another. PETE SCHOPEN leads the discussion.

PETE SCHOPEN: Good evening, everyone. As soon as you are seated, we will begin tonight’s session of Pestaholics.

PEST PRO #1: Can we change the name of our group? We were thinking about “PMP MVPs.”

SCHOPEN: That’s interesting, but does it really fit the reason we are here? Don’t forget, we are trying to address some of our “issues” we all have with being pest management professionals.

PEST PRO #2: I’m just here for the free flashlight holder.

SCHOPEN: No, you are here because your family is tired of you pointing out every house you have ever serviced while you are driving your kids to school.

PEST PRO #3: I’m here because I’m boring my family with stories of cockroach jobs I’ve done.

PEST PRO #1: What’s wrong with that?

PEST PRO #3: I did it at my grandma’s funeral.

GROUP [Nodding heads]: Ohhhhhh.

SCHOPEN [Gesturing to PEST PRO #4]: How about you? Why are you here?

PEST PRO #4 [Rolling her eyes]: I accidentally burned my neighbor’s retinas with my 180,000-lumen flashlight and the court ordered me to come to 12 “safety” classes.

SCHOPEN: Well, I wouldn’t call this a “safety” class. We are just trying to figure out why we are all addicted to being exterminators.

PEST PRO #5 [Angrily]: Exterminators is an outdated and offensive term.

SCHOPEN: Really? I say “exterminator” all the time. But if the term upsets you, what else would be appropriate?


PEST PRO #3: Dr. Bobby Corrigan says we are observational biologists.

PEST PRO #4: Pest management professionals is appropriate.

PEST PRO #6 [Rushing in]: Sorry I’m late. I got sidetracked showing my Uber driver all of the businesses I’ve serviced in the past 10 years. What did I miss?

SCHOPEN: We haven’t really gotten into anything substantial yet. I was thinking recently about how addicted we as an industry are to acronyms.

PEST PRO #1 [Shooting hand in air]: Ooo, Ooo, you mean like PMP MVPs?

GROUP [Groans collectively]

PEST PRO #1: C’mon! Use it a couple of times and it will catch on!

SCHOPEN: I was thinking more like IPM, IGR, RTU, FIFRA, SWOT, SOP, DPH, MSDS, GCPMA, DATCP — and that is only scratching the surface.

PEST PRO #3: You’re right! How about USDA, EC, WSG, WP and EPA?


PEST PRO #6: I’ve been curious lately, where is your favorite place to use the bathroom while running a route? Pete, didn’t you write an article about the best places to pee?

SCHOPEN: Actually, the article in PMP magazine was about whether it’s appropriate to ask your client to use their bathroom. I tell my techs that it’s OK to ask.

PEST PRO #6: Gross! I would never use a client’s washroom.

SCHOPEN: Well, if you’re in a subdivision with lots of clients, you don’t have time to find a gas station. Where do you go?

PEST PRO #6: My favorite is McDonald’s, but I also like Home Depots.

PEST PRO #4: I like public libraries.

SCHOPEN: Excellent suggestions. OK next, let’s rank all 176 Board-Certified Entomologists from 1 to 176. I’m going to pick either Pat Hottel or Lou Sorkin.

[PEST PROS shout over one another as the curtains close]

PEST PRO #5: No way! Gotta be Dr. Brittany Campbell or Dr. Jody Green.

PEST PRO #6: You guys are crazy. Kim Kelley-Tunis!

PEST PRO #3: What about Dr. Mike Bentley?

[End scene]

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year! Stay safe and God bless.

Schopen’s Open Book

Start-up: Schopen Pest Solutions Inc.
Headquarters: McHenry, Ill.
Founder: Peter F. Schopen Jr.
Start-up date: April 11, 2006
NUMBER OF EMPLOYEES: 44 (all full-time)
2006 REVENUE: $97,235
2007 REVENUE: $172,495
2008 REVENUE: $203,732
2009 REVENUE: $243,427
2010 REVENUE: $325,960
2011 REVENUE: $425,847
2012 REVENUE: $489,887
2013 REVENUE: $572,772
2014 REVENUE: $687,326
2015 REVENUE: $858,180
2016 REVENUE: $1,079,068
2017 REVENUE: $1,478,600
2018 REVENUE: $1,877,496
2019 REVENUE: $2,095,118
2020 REVENUE: $2,398,367
2021 REVENUE: $3,295,259
2022 REVENUE TO-DATE: $3,110,813*
*Up 22.5% from 2021.
**Up 19.7% from October 2021.

About the Author

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Schopen is owner of RV There Yet Pest Consulting and my email is

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