America vs. Germany: Non-Cockroach Division

By

May 12, 2014

America vs. GermanyOur cover story, based on our popular “Face-Off” features, pits the two authors of the Cockroach Combat Manual II, Dr. Austin Frishman and Paul J. Bello, against one another. They argue for the American cockroach and German cockroach, contending which species is the toughest to completely knock out (KO). In the good-natured spirit of the match, I offer this six-round face-off between both countries to see how they size up to one another in a variety of arenas.

ROUND I: Language
America – It’s not easy to judge one’s own language objectively, but I’m going to suggest the English language is easier to learn, a bit more melodic and available in multiple regional accents.
Germany – German is not one of those European languages that sound romantic or musical, like say, Italian or French. It seems to employ a lot of throat clearing, grunting and implied hostility even when none exists.
Advantage: America

ROUND II: Music
America – The Yanks win by default because we were wise enough to keep David Hasselhoff where he belongs: running in slow-motion on the beaches of “Baywatch.”
Germany – The Germans made Hasselhoff a pop music sensation.
Advantage: America

ROUND III: Sports
America – Football is the biggest, best-loved, most money-infused sport in America. We identify ourselves by our college teams, memorize players’ stats and build billion-dollar arenas to honor the game. In short, it’s a really big deal. And if you don’t like football, U.S. baseball and basketball fandom is almost as rabid. We also have soccer, (which the rest of the world insists on calling “football”) — Germany’s favored sport.
Germany – Did you know that the most popular sport to play for American children under 16 is soccer? But when they grow up they abandon soccer for football, baseball and basketball. Surely, Germany loves its sports, but in America it’s an all-consuming way of life.
Advantage: America

ROUND IV: Beer
America – Well, folks. I’m not going to lie. This one stings a bit. Sure, we have more boutique beers, micro brews and new adventurous domestic labels than ever before, BUT —
Germany – We’re talking about Germany. What can you do? They invented the beer stein and Oktoberfest. Meanwhile, America’s best-selling beer is Bud Light.
Advantage: Germany

ROUND V: Movies
America – For better or worse, we are the home of “the blockbuster” … the “event movie” … the “sequel franchise.” We invented these concepts, and while they don’t always serve us well (“Transformers” sequels, anyone?), the bottom line is: Germans will line up to see our movies.
Germany – Can you name the last German film you saw?
Advantage: America

ROUND VI: Tube-Encased meat foods
America – The All-American
hot dog — we have such a love/hate relationship with it. Despite its storied history tying it to everything from backyard family cookouts to afternoon baseball games with Grandpa, there’s no escaping what we all know to be true about this seasonal summer favorite. We love hot dogs, but the less we know about them, the better.
Germany – In this category, Germany scores wurst. (See what I did there?) And by that I mean they come out on top because of their wide variety. Since the brautwurst is a well-known part of German cuisine, I imagine their meat-tube-packing standards are a little higher than ours.
Advantage: Germany

You can reach Nepper at wnepper@northcoastmedia.net or 216-706-3775.

Leave A Comment

Comments are closed.