Humor in Uniform: The Mouse with the Munchies


April 16, 2015

Photo: ©

Photo: ©

A few years ago, I visited my chiropractor because my back was killing me. I explained to him I hurt it in a client’s home. He asked me what had happened, and I explained how I’d been servicing a woman’s home for mice. She was a nice lady who happened to be carrying about 350 lbs. on her 5-ft., 10-in. frame. She was also a nervous eater, and the mouse she’d seen in her kitchen sent her reaching for a giant bag of Doritos.

I quickly inspected her pantry, kitchen and laundry room while she followed behind me (munch, crunch, munch). As I was talking to her, I noticed crumbs starting to fall out of the lower-right hand corner of the Doritos bag, about an inch away from her hand. As I was finishing my presentation, more crumbs cascaded out of the corner of the bag. After a few seconds, I clearly saw a little paw, and then a nose poke out. I stared incredulously at the corner of the Doritos bag as if it were the Ark of the Covenant. As the mouse continued to chew its way through the same bag of Doritos that my client was clutching in a death grip, she slowly took notice that I was staring at her chips.

She slowly turned the bag over and lifted it up. At the precise moment she’d lifted the bag above her head, the mouse made its way out and landed smack in the middle of her face. It dove off her nose like Greg Louganis, and she fainted.

My chiropractor stared at me in disbelief and said, “That’s a great story, Pete, but what does that have to do with your back?”

I painfully answered, “Who do think caught her, Doc?”

Schopen is owner and founder of Schopen Pest Solutions, McHenry, Ill. You can email him at or reach him via Twitter: @schopenpest; Instagram: @peteschopen; or Facebook: Schopen Pest Solutions, Inc.

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